Preparing for approaching death can be terrifying if you have no idea what to expect, both physically and emotionally. As the dying process enters its final stages there are two different dynamics at work.

The physical aspect concerns the body as it begins its final process of shutting down; this ends the physical system's functioning.

The other dynamic is the emotional/mental and spiritual area which is a different process. This is where the spirit of the dying individual begins to slip away from its immediate environment and attachments. This release tends to follow its own priorities when it comes to letting go—of family members, unfinished business of a personal nature and/or unreconciled problems. You have all heard people tell how someone on their death bed refused to let go until a certain member of the family was able to get there. Even when the body is trying to shut down, the spirit hangs on until a resolution is reached. It is as though the dying person needs permission to go; needs to feel that he has achieved the support and acceptance of his fate by those he leaves behind. This way, he can slip into the next dimension of life with grace and dignity.

There is in all of us a curiosity about dying. Regardless of your religious beliefs, there have to be some doubts or shadows of uncertainty. There are five stages involved—some have time to proceed into each stage and come to a peaceful resolve.

DENIAL: I'm too young to die. I'm not ready to die (is anyone ever really ready?). You don't just get up some morning and say, "Well, I'm ready to die today." Even when a physician informs one that nothing can be done for them, the feeling that some mistake must have been made is in the dying person's mind. The prediction from ones physician of imminent death can do several things. It can give you time to prepare, take care of business, close doors, make amends. The shock begins to ebb as you come to grips with approaching death.

ANGER: Suddenly you are not in control of your life, or death. You have no choice…you are going to die. You have always known this, no one has come out and stated it as a fact before. It makes you angry, you feel so helpless, especially at first, then guilt climbs upon your back. Anger is directed at everyone and no one in particular. It is a sense of loss of control which is likely not a new feeling if you have endured a long illness. It is normal. Anger is in its own a sense of strength. It can also be debilitating.

BARGAINING: You are willing now to compromise. No use denying it. Anger comes and goes, so perhaps you can make a deal with God! You are willing to promise to do or not to do specific things if only you can be given more time. It can be based on an upcoming event that is important to you. You can be suffering from insecurities regarding a member of your family or a loved one who you feel is yet dependent on you. There can be a rift that has never been eliminated that needs to be further addressed. You are not free to go until these reasons can be alleviated once and for all. You are hoping yet and eager to deal!

DEPRESSION: This is such a normal part of the process of preparing to die. You are already depressed about your incapabilities in dealing with responsibility, projects and the situation of every day life. Symptoms of terminal illness are impossible to ignore. You are fully aware that death is inevitable. Aware, angry and filled with sorrow and here again, the culprit of guilt sneaks in as you mourn for yourself and the pain that this is causing your family and loved ones. Another totally NORMAL phase.

ACCEPTANCE: This comes after you work though the numerous conflicts and feelings that death brings. You can succumb to the inevitable as you become more tired and weakness hangs on. You become less emotional, calmness arrives and banishes fear along with joy or sadness. You realize the battle is almost over, and now it's really alright for you to die.

Hospice defines acceptance…

Acceptance is NOT doing nothing, defeat, resignation or submission.

Acceptance is coming to terms with reality. It is accepting that the world will still go on without you. Death is, after all, just a part of LIFE.

Copyright @ 2001 Barbara Gould.

About the author: Barbara Gould is the author of Weird Old Woman Down The Road,and Other Minor Observations. She writes articles on aging, poetry and short stories, a column, "Aging Gracefully."
Visit Barbara's website.

Comments (1)

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written by Shelly Carroll, March 20, 2008

My sister died a month ago. She had cancer five years ago and went for her check up in Jan, it came back. Her daughter and I just can't understand if she kept up with her checkups how it went undetected. We found out the night we took her to emergency, they gave her a up to a year. Two weeks later she is gone. It is so hard to understand how it happened so fast. I am having a really hard time dealing and not sure what to do.