Interview with my father (7/4/1998) Download MP3 - 46MB - 33 mins.

Although I knew my dad wouldn’t live forever… I never thought he would die.

It was the beginning of December, and I was excited about Christmas coming. It was also nearing the end of the millennium, and everyone—especially my father—was excited for the year 2000.

I had seen my parents the week before on Thanksgiving. My father was quiet that day. We were sitting in the living room, and I remember my dad sitting in his chair listening to us talk. Usually he was the one talking and us listening, so I found it a bit strange that he was so quiet, but it wasn’t cause for concern.

That afternoon, we shared a father-daughter gaze that I can’t explain. I remember feeling overcome with love, and I felt my father’s respect. His respect was something I constantly sought, and I always tried to please him. When we gazed into each other’s eyes that day, I felt a connection with him that was strong, special. It was spiritual.

Around 5 o’clock, my husband and I decided to go home. I hugged my mother, and then I walked over to where my father sat at the kitchen table and bent to kiss his forehead. My father reached out to touch my arm, which is something he never did. I noticed.

I couldn’t have known one week later he’d be dead…

I believe my father knew he was dying. About three weeks before that day, he had called my eldest brother, Herman, to discuss his final arrangements. And the day before he died, he commented to my mother that he was ready to die.

The next day, our lives changed forever…

My life without my father has been hard. I always looked forward to seeing him on weekends. And talking to him on the phone. Now I don’t have that anymore, and I miss it. I miss my father’s voice. I miss taking for granted that he’d always be there when I needed him. I miss being my father’s daughter.

I often imagine where he is and what he’s doing. I don’t think of my dad as “asleep” but instead playing cards with his friends, shooting the breeze, laughing. My father was lonely the last six months of his life. He commented to my mother that all of his friends had died. Now, ironically, he’s with them again.

I wonder if he ever thinks about us. Does he know how much he’s missed? Does he know how much he’s still loved? Does he know how much I yearn to see him again?

My dad was a very important person in my life, and he still influences me in his death. I am grateful for all of the things he did for me. I know now how right he was even when I thought I knew everything.

Yes, the day my father died was a momentous event. His absence will always leave an empty hole in my heart. I am not the same person I was before. In many ways, I’m a better person. I’m stronger. And I don’t take things for granted anymore because there are no promises for tomorrow.

Copyright © 2002 by Joanne Glasspoole. All rights reserved.

Comments (15)

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written by Cath, November 07, 2007

I lost my dad a year ago today. I too, miss being my fathers daughter. Thankyou for sharing your poem.

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written by Pat O., November 12, 2007

I lost my father 4 days ago. My parents divorced when I was eight so, I didn't live with my father for most of my life. I still craved his approval, his pride and his love. Now, I find that it is too late to learn all of the things that I want most to know about him and to tell him that I love him and appreciate how much he meant to me. I want my kids to know him and what a talented man he was. I am 46 and he was only 65. That just doesnt' seem long enough and it doesnt' seem like I did enough to be his daughter. Thank you for your poem. It was beautiful and I envy the relationship that you seem to have had with your father.

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written by Lavonna Drawdy, November 19, 2007

Our stories are so similar that it sent chills through me. My brother was killed in a car accident on Nov. 21, 1999, and was buried on Nov. 23, 1999, so every year my sister and I go and put flowers on his grave.
Well Nov. 21 2004 was no different, my sister and I went to the cemetery and stopped by our parents house on the way back. My dad was extremely quiet. As we started to leave my sister and I hugged and kissed them bye, but this time it was different.
I leaned over to hug my dad, and he hugged me so tight and so long, that my back was in great pain and he looked at me and said, "I just want you to know that I love you baby" and I said, "Well your baby loves you too!
On the way home, I asked my sister if she notice how daddy held on. She laughed and said that she did, but that didn't mean he loved me more than he did her. That was a big joke between me and her.
She had to take him to the hospital that night with severe pain in the bottom of his stomach, they diagnosed him with kidney stones and sent him home. The next night the pain worsened, so she took him back and called me to let me know. She told me not to come until the next morning cause the thought they were going to transfer him to a bigger hospital. The next day she called and said that they were moving him, so I left to go see him, as soon as I walked into the room where the family was waiting I looked at my mom, only to find the doctor kneeling down. I was shocked, then I realized...he died 5 years to the date that we buried my brother.
I treasure his last words to me, but if I could have only made it to the hospital before he died.....

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written by Georgann, December 06, 2007

I lost my Father in April. My Mother joined him in October. My Father also knew he was going to die and called all his daughters to his side. He died 36 hours later.

When I arrived he tried to tell me something, but I sensed it was too difficult for him. I told him I knew he loved me which I could only hope he was going to say.

I am at piece for finishing that sentence for him because he showed each and every one of us every day. Our favoite family joke was to tease him about who is "favorite" was. He loved it! But would never say.

Your Father KNEW you loved him and only tried to tell you one more time that he loved you too in a way not to scare you. It was his last gift to you. Do not question it or diminish it by feeling you should have been/said more.

A parent knows you better than you know yourself. He never doubted your love and looks down on you everyday hoping you will hold onto his love for you and find strength in knowing it was and will always be there.

May God Bless you and help you find peace this holiday season and everyday.

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written by Pamela, December 28, 2007

I lost my dad on 12-14-07. I miss him terribly. It is like he knew. He was 88 years old. He put his Christmas Tree up on 10-31-07, which I thought was odd, but he said he wanted to look at it for a while. Little things he said such as all his friends were gone on and his desire to give away tools and clothing. He even gave me a Christmas present around the first week of December. He ushered at church and look forward to every opportunity to be active such as gardening. Thank you for the story

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written by lisah, January 11, 2008

i lost my dad early december, i seen him for thanksgiving and we talked everyday, we spoke the night before and he wasn't feeling good, then he called me the next morning and said he felt better and not to worry he would be okay. that was the last time i spoke to my dad. when i went to check on him after work that day, well i found him on the floor, they say he had a heart attact with no struggle. that was the worst day of my life. i am a daddy's girl. i love him and miss him dearly.

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written by Caitlin H., March 12, 2008

I lost my dad when I was 17 in May 2003, and I am still grieving. It helps to know that others have gone through the same things, and are still dealing. I love my dad so much. It gives me much comfort to know he is in a wonderful place. I like to think sometimes that he might be repairing God's chariot, because he used to work on cars, and repair small engines. Its funny how you imagine the things your dad might be doing in heaven.

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written by Brittany, April 29, 2008

I lost my dad on Nov. 17th 2007..and it's the most hardest thing I have been through. We was so close and I miss so very much and would give anything to have him back in my life. I'm about to graduate from highschool and I only wish that he could be there with me. I miss being daddy's girl. I don't think this pain will ever go away. I will never understand why this happen and why god would take away the one thing in my life that I needed the most.

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written by Gee Gee, June 03, 2008

I lost my dad on January 20th, 2005. I can't believve that it has been 3 years. The pain still feels like ysterday. i don't believe that the pain ever goes away and I don't believe that time heals all wounds. I believe that you get used to living with the grief. You are able to move on, but the grief moves on with you and will always be a part of you. I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. My dad was so very special.Hehad 3 girls and had a special gift for making each one of us feel like we were his favourite. I am the baby and was so very close to my dad. We had such a special connection.I miss him so much that sometimes it's hard to breathe. I know that he is with me every day. I feel him and little things around me tell me that he's here. If gives me peace and strength and courage to go on. My dad was the most special man in my life. I would give anything just to have one more hour with him.

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written by brittney, June 15, 2008

I lost my father June 3, 2008. His name was John. He revolved around his family, it was like we were his universe. He died in a car wreck on impact. It was a drunk driver, or its what the policeman said. I remember going home that afternoon to check up with my parents. They said it made them feel better when i came by so they knew for sure i was fine. I was arguing about how much my daddy called me asking questions and wanting him to stay out of my life for a while so i can have time for myself. unknowingly that was his last day with me. I remember getting a call on my cell phone, and it was my mom. Her exact words were, Honey i love you but something terrible has happened with your daddy. She told me about the wreck and that i needed to come to the hospitle instantly. It was hard seeing my mother torn and taddered inside. but harder knowing that the last thing i told my daddy was "I dont really care right now, i have my own problems to worry about and i dont have time to listen to you gripe at me about staying out to late, or continuing college. Think what you want i dont care!" I never told him i loved him and that i was sorry. I miss him each and everyday wishing i could take back what i said. Its hard to live with myself wishing and hoping that my daddy knew how much i loved and cared for him. My birthday is June 12th, and i came home for that day. There was a new vehicle in the drive way. I figured my mom had a friend over going to suprise me or something. As i went in waiting for friends and family to suprise me i found my mother sitting at the kitchen table with the keys to the car and a little ribbon tied to them. She said," happy birthday baby, this is from your daddy and I." She told me to look in the glove box of the new vehicle, and there was this letter. The letter was from my daddy, and he wrote. " To our only baby girl, You finally got through school and im so proud of you. I couldnt be anymore proud. We love you. We promised you a car for Graduation and here it is. Be smart and use it wisely! love momma and daddy. Im so happy he wrote me that letter, because i now know that he knew i loved him and cared about him. And that letter has put me at peace with the only man in my life that i call daddy, who was taken from me nine days before my birthday.

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written by Shirley Ramsey, June 20, 2008

My father left us children when I was three years old. I saw him a few times over the years but I never really knew him. I think it is wonderful to read these messages about people who had a loving father. I know there a several good dads out there in the world.

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written by linzi noble, July 14, 2008

i lost my daddy on the 23rd of january 2008, he was only 46. he was a fireman from scotland, he died when the fire engin crashed. im only 13 and i miss him terribly, it's so strange not to have him around, theres not a day passes i don't think of a fond memory of him and it brings back lots of emotions happy, sad, angry. i miss him lots but i know he's watching over me.
god bless you john noble.

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written by jan, August 07, 2008

I too lost my mom on June 9, 2008. I miss her so much. I made a point of telling her how much I loved her before she died. She didn't know who I was....but I kept my promise to her by not putting her in a rest home. She died at home. The messages I have read all convey the same thing, the love we all felt. Let us all know that they are in a better place, and that they are smiling down on us...someday we shall see them again. Thats God's promise to us all.

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written by Brenda Vento, August 15, 2008

I lost my father in july of 2002. I was only 18 just graduated high school. my dad was my world. I was daddy's little girl. That day the phone rang and I picked up and they told me that my father passed away, i was lost. I didnt know what I was going to do for the rest of my life without him there for me. I got married a year later and that was the sadiest day of my life. I didnt have the wedding of my dreams because if my dad was not there to walk me down I dont want a big wedding. I also have 3 little boys and they never met there grandfather but my kids sure now who he is, we talk about him all the time and they also seen lots of pictures and video. It is still hard for me to this day not having my father in my world. But i now that is out there looking down on us and praying.

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written by Alease Brink Davis, September 09, 2008

I lost my Daddy to lung cancer,15 years ago.I know this may sound strange to some,but I am still grieving for him.I take his old wristwatch out,and wind it up.Then I listen to it tick.Somehow,it makes me feel like he isn't entirely gone,as long as the watch still runs.Then I kiss the watch,and put it back.Something in me "shut down" when he died.I stopped having friendships and became isolated.I became a much better mother to my kids,because I did it to honor my Dad,a wonderful dad...Somtimes,he turns up in my dreams.I say "Dad,I'm so glad youre alright,I had a terrible dream that you had died!"In the dream,I feel so relieved and happy.Then I wake up,and realize Daddy really is gone,and I am so sad. Maybe I didn't deal with his death 15 years ago.My Mother is a big believer in "faith healing",so the whole year and a half that Dad was ill,prior to his death was strange.She was "claiming a miraculous healing" for him,according to her faith.I am a serious Christian,too,but I never believed he was going to get a miracle.She would not talk to me about the fact that he was dying.She was disappointed in me,for not expecting a miracle.Dad and I never talked about the fact that he was going to die.It felt like we were all forced to play this game,like he wasn't really terminally ill.One day,she said"I'm really the one who is being affected by this,so I am the one who has to have the faith for the healing."I knew she was criticizing my "lack of faith",and it hurt to be seen as the bad guy.I was in agony,trying to come to terms with his impending death.I never knew that there was a sorrow beyond tears,A sorrow sodeep that you cant even cry.A sorrow that you feel,as a physical pain inside,a breaking heart.She thought I wasn't hurting so bad,because I thought I had to be outwardy strong for her.. The other day,she told me"You shouldn't grieve forever.Your Dad loved you so,he wouldn't want that."I need to go get help,,to find closure and peace.A part of me went with him.My Dad wasn't a man of words.He was the "John Wayne"type dad.Strong,responsible,hardworking,my protector,could fix anything,the "boss",stern,loved to play jokes,great sense of humor,adored my Mom.He helped raise his 6 younger siblings,when his mother left them.He went to work in the coal mines at 14 yrs.oldI was an only child,born late in his life.I was the apple of his eye,he loved me more than anything in this world.I miss him so much,he was our "Rock of Gibraltor",he took care of us,and made sure everything was alright.How I hope there really is a Heaven,because I want us to be together again,where we will never have to say "Goodbye."Daddy,thank you for the kindness,and the times when you got tough,and Daddy,I dont think I said "I love you" near enough...