My father is dieing of emphysema. He has been on a ventilator for so long that the hospital had to trach him. I know he does not want to be hooked to any machines to live, but if he's not on the ventilator he can't breath. His lungs are too far gone.  I know he is miserable like this. He floats in and out of conscience. One minute, he is aware and responds. The next he is gone. This is the hardiest thing I have ever had to deal with. My heart breaks to see him laying there with all these tubes sticking out of him. I know that is no way to live.

     I am his legal next of kin. That bothers my mom a lot. She doesn't like the fact that she doesn't have the final say so. I do. She tells me that she  thinks that I shouldn't handle certain things, she should. She is his ex-wife but they remained very good friends after the divorce. I think she thinks I am still a child and I shouldn't be making decisions regarding my father. I don't appreciate how she thinks I shouldn't or can't make a decision regarding my father's present condition. I feel that the only reason to keep him this way, is for selfish reasons, not what is best for him. My mom refuses to look at the reality of him dieing. She'd rather see him living artificially instead of him being on his own terms. Which, to me is not right. I woldn't want to live that way. He can't talk, can't eat. All he does is lay there and float in and out of a medicated conscieniouness. The Doctors have all told me that we need to  face the reality that he may not ever recover from this. They have proformed many tests on him to see if there is any reason to think that he may recover from this. But none of the tests look good. But we will find out more in the days to come.

          My mom refuses to take him off the ventilator. She would disown me if I did against her wishes. But it isn't fair to my father that we keep him this way. How can I ever decise on what to do.   I really hate the way life comes at you at times.