I've  kept a journal from the time I was a teenager, seems like yesterday.   Over the years, my children picked up my journaling habit.   We call them,  "letter's to God."   

in my letters over the years, I have thanked God for each child he blessed me with.  I have five daughters in all.   Even though two of my girls have Cystic Fibrosis, I always felt and still feel blessed.  My oldest daughter, 23, went to be with the Lord on Nov. 3rd. 2007.   It was sudden and unexpected.   She died from so many ailments all related to her CF.    She was a fighter.  She survived two transplants and went on to lead as normal and productive life as she could.  She was even engaged.   Her hair was white, soft and shiny.  Her eyes were a piercing green that sometimes couldn't hide her pain.  She never got very big, only 5'1", about 100 pds, but she had a presence about her when she entered a room.  It was as if she glowed.   She's with the Lord now, and I am so happy for her.  She has a beautiful new body that doesn't hurt.

     I miss her so much.  At times, I can smell her near.   Out of nowhere, her fresh, crisp scent moves about  and I know she's there with me.  One day I was in the car driving and I smelled her all around me.  I knew she was in the seat beside me.

      Two weeks after my oldest daughter passed away, we learned my healthy 22 yr. old had  melanoma of the lungs, lymph nodes and brain.   At times, it's almost to much for me to take in.  We are facing a battle before us.  I know we will all come through stronger, I know God has a plan....so, in my letters to God, I try and list all the good things to be thankful for...sometimes it's hard, but, he gives me the strength and joy I need to go on.   thanks.

My father is dieing of emphysema. He has been on a ventilator for so long that the hospital had to trach him. I know he does not want to be hooked to any machines to live, but if he's not on the ventilator he can't breath. His lungs are too far gone.  I know he is miserable like this. He floats in and out of conscience. One minute, he is aware and responds. The next he is gone. This is the hardiest thing I have ever had to deal with. My heart breaks to see him laying there with all these tubes sticking out of him. I know that is no way to live.

     I am his legal next of kin. That bothers my mom a lot. She doesn't like the fact that she doesn't have the final say so. I do. She tells me that she  thinks that I shouldn't handle certain things, she should. She is his ex-wife but they remained very good friends after the divorce. I think she thinks I am still a child and I shouldn't be making decisions regarding my father. I don't appreciate how she thinks I shouldn't or can't make a decision regarding my father's present condition. I feel that the only reason to keep him this way, is for selfish reasons, not what is best for him. My mom refuses to look at the reality of him dieing. She'd rather see him living artificially instead of him being on his own terms. Which, to me is not right. I woldn't want to live that way. He can't talk, can't eat. All he does is lay there and float in and out of a medicated conscieniouness. The Doctors have all told me that we need to  face the reality that he may not ever recover from this. They have proformed many tests on him to see if there is any reason to think that he may recover from this. But none of the tests look good. But we will find out more in the days to come.

          My mom refuses to take him off the ventilator. She would disown me if I did against her wishes. But it isn't fair to my father that we keep him this way. How can I ever decise on what to do.   I really hate the way life comes at you at times.

I came to this website hoping to find some help dealing with the death of my brother.  You see he was a good man, always happy, always active helping other and just enjoyed life tremendously.  He was murdered by another man that was on probation for battery.  It is all so senseless and my family and I are having a really hard time dealing with his loss.