If asked why my mom was the most incredible person in the world, I would not be capable of describing that in words. She was all too amazing. My mother was beautiful, intelligent, and was allergic to boredom. When she was alive, there wasn't a single morning that went by where drops of dew did not form on a new leaf. There wasn't an afternoon when the sun didn't shine. No evening prevailed with a sunset sky not streaked with brilliant oranges, pinks, and yellows. Not one night went by without a full moon and stars gleaming against the darkened sky. The natures of the world were at their best when my mother was alive. She brought out the best in everything. She was the color in my world of black and white. Every hug she gave to me made me feel as if I was holding the world with my own two arms because she truly did mean everything to me.

What is it about mothers that make them just so...special? Maybe it's their warm hugs that are like no other. Maybe it's the way they cooked your favorite meal on your birthday. I think every day should be mother's day. It's not like they don't deserve it. They work so hard to make their children's lives as good as they can get. They are the ones that created us, nourished us, and helped us through all our struggles. Why me? I need her so bad. Forty-two is too young of an age to die in the modern day world. I have experienced pains that slowly eat away at your heart, tearing it apart piece by piece. I loved her more deeply than I thought imaginable. I can't believe I'm still standing here today, how I got through it all, without her.

It has been over three years since the death of my mom. I can now smile and laugh and openly talk about my experience with out falling to pieces. It actually makes me feel better, knowing that I have so many friends that I can talk to about it. Although I can talk about my experience easily, I haven't yet accomplished looking at old photographs without having at least a couple of tears slip from my eyes and slide down my cheeks. Even the note she left for me in case of an emergency at school strikes pain in my heart. Everyday, I wear a heart-shaped locket that dangles from a silver chain around my neck. It contains her picture and I feel like she is right there with me when I wear it. She is such an enormous part of who I am today and was very influential to me. Her soul will always be a part of me. My mom was the most amazing person in the world. Her deep brown eyes were promising and trustworthy. Her soft features made her so likable. But mostly it was her winning smile that captured the hearts of hundreds and hundreds of people. I know she is with me every day. She might not physically be there, helping me along through my life, but she is there in spirit. Just because she might not physically walk the earth, she will forever and always walk on in my heart. So to answer the question "Why is there such a thing as death", the answer is not to make you suffer, which it tends to do anyway. It is to make you treasure those who love and care about you and to make life more meaningful. Death isn't going to stop love in my rulebook.

It has been two weeks and two days since Tom passed away. I can't believe it. I still feel so numb. However, there have been times when this raw, seithing feeling surfaces on my heart that is absolutely unbearable. It brings me to my knees. All I can do is cry out to God to comfort my broken heart. I can feel God's hand upon me and I know He hears me, but I still have to wait for the healing. This is when I rest in His care and be still. I hear my wail of dispair and almost think it isn't mine. I've never heard it before. Even when I'm praying and pleading at the altar at church, it doesn't sound like this. It's moaning, groaning, and whining. But I know God understands what the noise is telling Him. It's telling him I miss my best friend, my most trusted confidant, my lover, my comedian, my life.

12/29/07.  One week ago my girlfriend Tracy committed suicide.  This has been the saddest time of my life.  I broke up with her the day before.  Her mom is angry with me and doesn't want me at the services.  I can respect that but I just hurt so much.  We were going to have dinner on Christmas eve and talk about our relationship.  I loved Tracy so much.