It has almost been a month since I lost Dan. August 21st, 2007 will always be remembered as the worst day of my life. Dan is the love of my life, we were together for almost 3 years, and had so many plans for our future. He had struggled most of his life, and finding his place always seemed to be hard for him. However, he had finally gotten to his happy place. This year had been really tough on our relationship, we were tested to the fullest, but we made it out happier and stronger than ever. Dan started a new job with ComEd working on the power lines, which he completely loved. We had plans to buy a house in the spring, be married in the summer, and soon start a family. Tuesday, August 21st started out like any other day. I had gotten home from work at about 8:45am (I'm a night shift nurse), I bought baseball tickets for Saturday's White Sox game, and texted Dan to let him know. He called me back very excited about going to the game, and just couldn't wait. We talked for about 45mins, and then he had to get back to work. At 12pm, I got another phone call from Dan, which wasn't like him, he was usually too busy during the day to call again. I picked up the phone, and said hello, only to hear "I love you," I asked what he had said, only to hear it again, "I love you." I told him I loved him too, and that I missed him, and then we chatted for a bit, he told me he had to eat, and that he would call me in a little bit, I told him I loved him one last time, and to be safe (as I always did). I sat watching tv for a bit, and then felt a little ill, and decided to take a nap. At about 4pm, I was woken up by the sound of my phone ringing. On the other end was Dan's mom telling me that Dan was in an accident at work, and I needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. She didn't know any other details, other than they were doing CPR. In my heart I knew that it wasn't good, but I had a hope that things would be fine. My friend Jen picked me up and drove me to the hospital. About 15mins away from the hospital, my friend Adam, Dan's coworker, called to see how far away we were. He told me the family was all there, and at that point I told him to tell me. He didn't want to be the person to do it, but I knew in my heart the answer. I told him I knew, and just needed to hear it. Adam simply said, "Dan is in a better place now." At that point I lost it, I have never cried so hard in my entire life. My world had come crashing down, and I was lost. We later found out that Dan had been working on some lines, and was electrocuted. Everything to bring him back had been done, but there was nothing that could save him. As I sat with Dan at the hospital that day, and I held his hand, and ran my fingers through his hair (something that he loved, esp. if he couldn't fall asleep). I waited there hoping this was all a bad dream, and that he would miraculously start breathing again. I was the last to leave the hospital that day, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do was walking away from Dan. Since that day, everything continues to pass me by at lightening speed. I can't believe that Friday will be one month already. I still don't fully understand, but all I know is that the person that was in my life everyday is now physically gone. I know that he is here with me, but I would rather have him "here" with me all the way. I miss his kisses, and his strong arms hugging me tight, or trying to fall asleep and having him pull me close to him. He was the one that comforted me in times like these, and now he isn't here to wipe away my many many tears. I feel numb, and lost. I go through the motions of life, but it is all just a blur. I go to his grave a lot, and I sit and talk, and cry, I miss him more than words can ever say. Life just isn't the same, and I don't know what to do anymore. I miss him, and I love him, and that is all I seem to know anymore. He was only 24, he was just starting to live his life, and now it is over. What do I do?? How long will this hurt so badly?? I miss you baby, and I love you so much!!

i lost my best friend  on august 5th 2007

Dear Jesus, Please give Carol your chosen child comfort this day. It is so hard when you lose your child. Restore her for your glory and love. Also keep Janell sisters and brothers close to their mom.