Since 2002, I have lost five family members. The most difficult for me are the loss of my sister four years ago, and the loss of my mother two months ago. On the one hand, I feel sad, and on the other, numb. I don't like the world anymore very much.

I AM STILL TRYING TO FIND WAYS TO MOVE PAST THE PAIN AND ANGER OF LOSING MY MOM NINE YEARS AGO. THE ONLY WAY I HAVE DEALT WITH IT IS THROUGH CUTTING AND I KNOW THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER BUT IT DOES RELEASE SOME OF THE FEELINGS THAT I HAVE BOTTLED UP INSIDE OF ME.

 

 

 

Three months have passed since my children and I have lost my wife. Our family was on vacation in July of this year, and subsequently my 2 daughters and my wife and myself . Were involved in a horrific vehicle roll-over. I thank god each day my oldest daughter wasn't with us that day, or we would have lost her too.  My wife languished only to succumb to her injuries from the crash 10 days later. Nine days after she passed we laid her to rest in our home town.  Since that time forward things have moved in slow motion.

I am faced with the daughting task of raising three little girls under 8 by myself now. Kids are a god send though, they give you the strength to get up in the morning.  There have been plenty of days and weeks that have passed where if it wasn't for my kids I don't know what would have gotten me out of bed.

I've learned so much in the last few months though.....  Out of tradgedy good things can come.... we learn from everything in this life.  This is what I have found:

I believe that we all increase our energy and our knowledge by experiencing the polar aspects of all there is to know. Our knowledge gives us an appreciation and understanding that makes us ever more complete with each new experience. In other words, we learn from experiencing both sides of every possibility. In order to fully understand and appreciate kindness, we must experience cruelty. In order to fully understand and appreciate joy, we must experience depression. In order to fully understand and appreciate health, we must experience sickness. In order to fully understand and appreciate comfort, we must experience discomfort. To truly understand and appreciate Life we must suffer though a death of some one truly close to us. And so it goes for every possible experience that exists, we experience both sides of the spectrum in order to understand and appreciate the opposite. We are meant to learn from every good and bad situation.  This applies to every unfortunate event in our lives. It is ingrained deeply in all aspects of it.

 

On a personal note taking from this knowledge I have found each day presents it's own challenges and I have learned volumes about my parenting skills in leaps and bounds over the last while. If one thing good comes out of this it is myself becoming a better Dad and parent as playing Mom & Dad at the same time over the last while has been a trial by fire at the best of times. But I think I'm doing okay with that. It's kind of like severe boot camp and sometimes it's good to be kept on your toes.

 Also In thinking  in retrospect of the positives  I have in my life:

I was very lucky to have had a beautiful intelligent wife of 8 years who was my best friend and the best mother I could have asked for for my children.

I have three beautiful little girls that each day  when I look into their eyes and see their mother there. She will continually live on through them.

I have a fantastic group of friends & family to fall back on when then burden gets to heavy.

And I and my children are alive and healthy.  Though there have been more times than I can count I wished it was me instead of my wife.  Children in my opinion should always  have their mother. But on the other hand thank God I'm still here to raise them.....

My advice to anyone who is grieving at the moment is to remember  that  your in survival mode and the best things you can do for yourself is remember to eat, and try to sleep when you can.  The everyday tasks,  grocery shopping , tidying, laundry or whatever  can be helped with by your friends and family until your ready to try taking on a little bit of the daily routine for yourself. The time will come where you will start to want to care enough to start wanting to do the normal routine and chores for yourself again.

 Take your time and give yourself the time to get through each day, it's difficult to be motivated about anything when you feel half of you is gone with your loved one.

  In reality ultimately life will go on even though you sometimes don't want it to, Even when your in the dark times of despair for your loved one's loss.  But it will move in slow motion giving you the time to move out of that horrible dark time. 

The sun will keep on shining even when you want to blot it out and just be in your numbness and pain .  You'll find times where the tears just won't stop and your heart is breaking so bad you feel you can't breathe, but there will come a  time when it starts to hurt a little bit less each passing day. You will get to a point when you will stop feeling so numb, and you might even  surprise yourself and find yourself smiling at a  memory of a cherished moment in  time with your loved one.

But all this will happen in time, and the time that it takes to start feeling better varies with each person. The is no set time frame for things to start  feeling better.  Just remember that your loved one wouldn't want you to keep being weighed down with the pain, & misery of their loss.  Just as you wouldn't if you were in their place. It's all a period of small steps to start to climb back off the ground again since you were laid flat.   Just take it  each day  in slow motion......................   It will get better ...............

 

For all you reading this I wish you all  peace & comfort in your time of pain and sorrow. Clarity to see your life will continue to go on when your in the throughs of your grief. And hope that you will embrace everyone and everthing that is positive, supportive and emotionally nourishing to get you through this tough period of time in your life.

 

Dave