I have just been suddenly hit by a huge storm of events. I am only 21 but I am a very proud mother of a 2 year old little boy named Izaiah. Just 2 weeks ago he became very ill and his doctor sent us to Children's Medical Center in Dallas where we found out he had a very rare disease in children called Pulmonary Artery Hypertension of the lungs which caused oxygen to not flow right in his body, a very enlarged right side of the heart and an enlarged liver.  The specialist then told me had the most severe case possible of this illness and I felt in my heart right then and there he looked at my son as if he were already gone.

The next step the doctor told me was to perform a cardiac cath which would insert a cathader (sp?) into his artery by his groin and into the heart to messure the pressures in his artery from the lungs. They shot oxygen and nitro oxygen into his artery to see if it relaxed it any. I was told this was very risky because his body was weak and couldn't hand anestesia but only maybe one more time. With much hesitation I signed the consent because they felt it was the only thing they could do. Apparently this disease only occurs in children 1 in 1 million and when it does happen it rapidly takes over the body. There is no cure for this disease and up until the 1980's children would pass shortly after diagnosis. With these odds against us trying to keep up hope was so hard. So they took him and did the test, and afterwards he was doing fine. I felt hopeful that at least he made it through the procedure. The doctors then told us that he didn't respond to any of the medications that they tested. My heart sank immediately and a mother's intuition kicked in and I knew it, I just knew it. He said he could send him home and try him on this one medication but the chance of him just passing away at my home were very great. The options were slim to none. But unfortunely shortly after the procedure his blood pressure shot down and he passed away never waking up.

I screamed and I yelled and I cussed everyone in the hospital for 4 hours while they were doing all they could and pumping him with oxygen until his heart finally stopped. But luckily the nurse came in to the room I was in and said "I think its time you need to go hold him" I didn't wanna hear any of that thinking if I didn't he wouldn't go.. but she said "If you don't go, I promise you will regret it" so I swallowed my pain and I did go hold my baby as he passed away in my arms and I felt a sense of peace rush over my body. I know my baby knew he was gonna go and he left me with knowing he is in no more pain and no more suffering.

I feel angry at his doctor for not catching any of the signs of this disease but I made peace with him for myself. I have handled this situation better than I ever thought I could. My family is falling apart and I hate to see them in pain. My son had so much strength because he stayed happy until the bitter end and he never let me know he was in so much pain, so I feel as though I have to take the wonderful lessons he taught me in just a short 2 years that inspired me to a better person.

I just had his funeral Sat. Oct 4, 2008 and the same night I took a pregnancy test because even in the hospital I knew, a mother's intuition again that I had another child inside. As I kissed my baby boy for the last time before they closed the casket I told him "Dont worry you will be a great big brother" and that is before I really even knew for sure. This faith I feel inside of me now is the realest emotion I think I ever have felt.

But how do I deal with having the worst thing ever possible happend and have the greatest thing happen at the same time? How do I tell my family that is grieving over my beautiful boy that I have another one on the way? Not to EVER replace my son, but a new child to love and cherish just the same. I have to split my own feelings but I can't let my sorrow hurt this child inside of me, even though I just wanna curl into a ball and never get up. My baby boy would never want me to do that though. My new child needs me too.

I just pray that I find the strength to handle it all and cherish my son's memory. I never want to forget how I'm feeling or not carry out the promises I have made. Its going to be very hard but if I can get through this I can take on the world and be somebody to make my lil man proud.

It hurts to breathe, it hurts to cry,

And everyone keeps asking why.

It's been so long you should be over it,

But every day I have a fit.

I cry, I scream, I pray and I shout,

I shower to scrub the pain out.

But then I think it can be worse,

God is great, I continue to rehearse.

With my arms crossed, my knees bended,

I pray to God and I get through it. 

WHY ARE U GONE??

As I lay here all alone at night,

I close my eyes and you're insight.

The pain I'm feeling is so strong,

With me, at home is where you belong.

I wish I could turn back the time,

You not being here, should be a crime.

All of these emotions I feel inside,

I smile, but all i want to do is hide.

To just run away from all of this,

Wishing to give you one last kiss.

This is so much harder than I thought,

Why are you gone?, Thinking it's my fault.

Time will have to take its course,

Not being home with you,I remorse.

I want you here, home, with me forever,

To carry you when you got heavier.

Wanting so badly to hold you in my arms,

You impressed everyone with your charms.

Your smile, your laugh and your cry,

Is why, it's so hard to say good bye.

Waking and not seeing your perfect little face,

You are so special and can't ever be replaced.

My handsome angel sent from heaven,

I'm lost without, my heart is craven.

Praying to one day see you again,

To play and dance with you, in our den.

Thinking of you and often speaking your name,

All I have are memories and pictures in a frame.

You are in a place of light & love,

The perfect garden in Gods sky above.

Not getting to say good bye is the worst part,

But you will ALWAYS and FOREVER be in my heart!