My father recently had a heart attack.  I've known for a long time that this might happen, because every man in my family has had a heart attack in his mid fifties.  But because of my father's healthy lifestyle I thought he might dodge that bullet.  Apparently, that is not the case.  And, being the oldest of his sons, I am the next in line to experience the family tradition of heart disease.  So, his experience has brought my own inevitable mortality to the forefront of my mind.

I am not afraid to die.  I am afraid of being mamed or disabled so that I live the rest of my life in pain.  I am afraid of others close to me dying because I know that will bring me heartache, but even that I know will pass because I have experienced that in my life.  I am afraid of poverty and I am afraid of a life without meaning, but I am not afraid of death.  I am not old but I have lived long enough to know that death is a part of life.  I have lost a child and I have lost grandparents to death and each took a little bit of me when they went, but I survived and I became happy again, and life goes on. 

My grandfather told me of the time he had a heart attack and was technically dead for a few seconds.  He said it was the most peaceful feeling he had ever experienced.  He didn't speak of a light or his life flashing before him, only of undescribable peace.  Then suddenly he was awakened by someone beating on his chest and another person ramming a needle into him.  He was back in the world of the living. I don't believe he was sorry to be back, but he didn't seem worried about going back to the other place either.

Some might find this strange, but the reason I am not afraid to die is because of my firm belief that there is no god.  I know religious people find that idea unbelievable, and I know this because I was raised in a very religious home.  God and Satan were very real in my childhood home.  And, though my parents claimed to believe in a compassionate god, everything I learned about God made me afraid.  I was afraid of God because he could see the dirty little thoughts in my head, and I was afraid of Satan and his demons because they were evil and looking for the chance to possess me.  So, knowing now that there is no god and that death is merely an indescribable peace, I am not afraid to die. It took a long while before I had the courage to say that outloud. 
The first time I did I was sure I would be struck by lightning.  ButI have said it many times now and I am no worse for it. 

I did not arrive at this conclusion without effort.  It took several years of living, studying, and contemplating.  It started when I discovered that my first wife was not at all who I thought she was. I discovered she had been lying and cheating for years, and I suddenly realized that the last eight years of my life had been a lie.  This did not fit into the narrow worldview I had acquired.  In that world my wife would be faithful and kind because I was a faithful and supportive husband.  And, if this could happen to me than the world was not what I believed it to be, and I needed to find out what it really was.

I divorced her and began a quest.  I needed to learn the facts about the world and the people in it.  I began taking classes at the community college with the idea of not necessarily finding myself, but rather finding the world and, subsequently, my place in it.  I inadvertently spent the next five years in college and, to my own surprise, graduated from college at age 33.  While there, I studied the earth, the sky, the universe, and the people.  I studied trees and flowers, rocks and stars, and culture.  After I graduated I read Carl Sagan, Albert Einstein, and Charles Darwin.  I read about the mind and the universe.  I read about evolutionary psychology.  I studied violence,  religion, hate and love.  I watched life, and I compared all these things for all these years with what I knew about God.  And He was the one thing that did not fit.  He did not make sense.  Everything else was logical, for everything else there was proof.  Evolution and biology could be proven by science.  People's behavior fit. Sex fit.  Love and hate fit.  But God did not fit.  The world made sense without him and became nonsense with him.

I am grateful for my religious upbringing.  It was part of the education that brought me to this point.  I do not fault my parents for causing me to fear God.  Without a clear understanding of God I could not have proven his nonexistance to myself.  And, because of that proof I do not fear death. I do not need to worry about whether or not I have been forgiven for my sins.  I do not need to worry about whether or not people who have gone before me place any blame on me for anything that happened to them in life.  I do not need to try to figure out why a good, all powerful god allows bad things to happen in the world.  And, I do not need to wonder what will happen to me after I die. I hope to live a long and happy life but when it is over, I know I will experience an indescribable peace, and the older I get the more precious peace becomes. 

Lance Nalley, November 21, 2002, Chico, CA.

We either have been, or will be, put in the position of comforting
someone who is grieving. That is an important role played by good
friends. The most common question I hear on such occasions is, "What
should I say?" We want to help, but we feel helpless to make a
difference in the face of such tragedy.

 I often remember a story told by Joseph Bayly when I struggle to say
the "right thing" to someone who is hurting. Mr. Bayly lost three
children to death over the course of several years. He wrote a book
called View From A Hearse, (Life-Journey Books, 1992) in which he
talks about his grief. He says this about comforting those who grieve:

"I was sitting, torn by grief. Someone came and talked to me of God's
dealings, of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. He said things
I knew were true. I was unmoved, except to wish he would go away. He
finally did. Someone else came and sat beside me. He didn't talk. He
didn't ask leading questions. He just sat with me for an hour or more,
listened when I said something, answered briefly, prayed simply, left.
I was moved. I was comforted. I hated to see him go."

I have found Joseph Bayly's experience to be excruciatingly typical.
Both men wanted to help. Both men cared. But only one truly comforted.
The difference was that one tried to make him feel better, while the
other just let him feel. One tried to say the right things. The other
listened. One told him it would be all right. The other shared his
pain.

When put in the difficult position of comforting someone in emotional
pain, sometimes what needs to be said can be said best with a soft
touch or a listening ear. It may not seem like much, but it can be
more effective than you may ever know.

About the author:  Steve Goodier http://lifesupportsystem.com is a professional
speaker, consultant and author of numerous books.

I should have seen it coming. I had been through so many life changes in such a short time that I should have known that it would have some effect on me. I had left a highly stressful job to become a househusband. We had moved house and moved to a new part of the country. I had started trying to put together a writing career and was just getting used to the idea of my work being rejected on a regular basis. Angela, my wife, had started a new job. My two eldest children had started a new school and I was left at home in a new house, in a new town with my eighteen-month old son for company.

Writing, expressing can heal us.   It can focus, support, and enhance our lives and well-being.   Whether we laugh or we cry, whether through sorrow or joy, we can understand more about ourselves, and each other, through keeping a journal.

• Some Benefits of Keeping a Journal
  · Reduces stress
  · Sets goals
  · Organizes
  · Helps focus
  · Can improve well-being
  · Makes time for you
  · Creates a personal reminder
  · Becomes a treasured keepsake

• Journaling
  On a piece of paper, write your answers to the question, "Which 3 words best describe how you are feeling right now?" When you are done writing, you have just journaled.
• Writing about whatever is important to you right then and there is journaling.
  Tracking what you have planted in your garden is journaling. Writing about the family holidays together, or coffee with a friend is journaling. There is no set amount of words or pages that constitutes a journal. There can be a set theme or topic in your journal, but there does not have to be.  I have written about soup, the weather, myself, my friends, and my dreams for the future, in my journal. A journal, which is the same as a diary, is a place where you choose to store what is important to you.     
• When to start journaling
  Any day of any year is a good time to start your journal. The day you feel you want to start recording your experiences and thoughts is the perfect day to start - Whether on January 1, November 3, or today.  There is no set time of year to begin a journal or to start to journal again.  
• Some people like the idea of starting their journal on January 1.
  They write their goals and ideas starting at the beginning of the year. Others like the idea of starting the very day it occurs to them that they want to write about their lives in a journal. Whatever you choose, it is the right way for you, and that is all that matters.
• What to journal in
  There are a lot of choices of where to record all those thoughts, feelings, ideas, dreams, and desires. What you will write in and what you will write with again is up to you.  Try several choices, several types of books, and several types of pens or pencils. Find the tools that fit you. You can also record your journal on tape, video, or the computer.  Writing a letter can be another form of journaling your experiences.
• What to write about
  I know of a woman who wants to be a comedian. In her journal she writes a joke a day.  Another person had been stuck for several years writing her novel.  She started to journal about writing her novel and gained the focus she needed. She finished her novel within a few months.  Another person tracks every penny he spends in his journal. The beauty of keeping a journal is that it is your book. You get to choose not only when to write, but what to write.
• How much I write in my journal
  Journaling is about what you want to express that day so, you can write as much or as little as you want - A word, a thought or two, pages, you choose.
• Remembering to journal
  Place your journal where you will see it every day. I do not mind taking vitamins, but if I do not see them I do forget to take them. Place your journal on your nite stand or where you have coffee in the morning.  I keep mine on my desk, where I will see it everyday. Part of keeping a journal, for me, is skipping a day, or maybe four.  I usually write every day, but some days I do not. I forget to write or I do not get to it, or I have nothing to say that day. Skipping a day is a part of keeping a journal.
• Keeping your journal safe
  You may want to have a special secret place for your journal so no one else can read it. You can keep it in a locked box, or tuck it away. You can also ask the people around you not to read your journal. It is private and only concerns you. As you journal about specific events or people you can also use code words for those experiences. It is important that you feel safe writing about your thoughts so, think about how you can create that for yourself in your own environment. 

With the passage of time, we gain a different perspective. Time is a healer.   What was once hard, or unbearable, can now make more sense, giving us a clearer picture. Recording and tracking our lives, by keeping a journal, can actually bring relief, clarity, joy, and laughter.

Copyright 2001 Doreene Clement All Rights Reserved