On Losing A Child

by Kailah Eglington

My daughter would have been 22 today had she lived.

For anyone who has lost a child, and I myself have lost two, the pain, anger and sorrow don't become any less sharp. Those feelings may take a back seat to the inevitable everyday tasks and duties that we must carry out, but I find the smallest reminder can easily bring them to the fore again. For me, it is birthdays or holidays, a certain child's cry, baby booties or a child s eyes looking into mine.

I used to ask myself if it was wrong to continue to feel the grief so deeply until I met another woman who had also lost a child. She, too, had the same conflicts of emotion: the need to "get on with life" and "snap out of it" versus the need to keep our children's memories alive.

When we lose a child, especially if it is sudden and unexpected, it is as if a part of us dies too. There is a strong connection with our children which starts from the time a single seed is fertilized and becomes a living being. For mothers, there is no relationship more intimate that that of a woman with her unborn child during pregnancy.

Because of this, we feel our children's every hurt, we instinctively know what they need, and we live to protect them. When they die, the loss of this "human" connection can bring on the most terrible kind of grief. Because we feel that we must "move on," many of us keep this grief internally, afraid to admit that it doesn't get any better.

Having said that, there are ways of managing the pain and grief, so that it doesn't overwhelm your life and does allow you to move on. Here are the things that I found helped (and continue to help) me:

Grieve. I was unable to grieve properly for 13 years, until I went to Cruse, a bereavement society specializing in grief counseling. It is OK to grieve, and there need be no time limit to your grief. Grieving is healthy and it helps you to rationalize your feelings.

Talk about it. You may feel that you don't want to talk to people, because you don't want them to feel uncomfortable. However, not talking about your child may make you as if they never existed or were no longer a part of your life—and they are!

One of my greatest achievements was when someone asked me how many children I had, and I said three, but two died. Previously, I would have said one. Yes, there may be an awkward moment on the part of the listener, but to me, I have acknowledged all my children. Once it becomes apparent that I am not uncomfortable discussing it, the listener will relax too and the awkwardness will pass—for both of you!

If you keep your child's spirit alive, you will keep yourself alive and your emotions balanced. Talk about your child, what they did, how they looked, their favorite toy, what they might have been like now. You will find the memories uplifting and your child will continue to be a part of your family. More importantly, you may find that the grieving process becomes easier.

I am not saying that we should build a shrine for a lost child, but by the same token, I personally believe that it is unhealthy to simply stop talking about them.

Take the good days with the bad. Even years and years following the death of your child, you will have your good and bad days. This is normal—we are not super women, we are human. When I woke up this morning, I said "It's Jennifer's birthday. She would have been 22 today," and I cried—a deep, soul-wrenching cry. Then I talked about her. It helped a lot.

When you have a very bad day, keep busy. You may find that making something your child would have liked, then donating it to a hospice or charity might help. Bake some cookies and take them to an old people's home. Be with people. It's OK to lean on others when you need to.

Don't forget your other children. It is easy to become so overwhelmed with grief that your other children take a back seat to the child that died. For me, I was consumed with fear that something might happen to my son as well. I was afraid to get too close to him for fear that he would die too, and I couldn't bear to go through that again. It is important to remember that our living children still need us, more than before. As adults, we understand what has happened; it is not so easy for a child who could believe that it was their fault a brother or sister died.

Part of the healing process is learning to live amongst the living again.

• Talk to your children.
• Explain what has happened.
• Let them know that it was not their fault.
• Let them know that you are hurting and help them understand that it is OK for them to hurt as well.
• Let them talk about their brother or sister freely and try to answer their questions openly and honestly.
• Tell them how important they are to you.

Accept and be blameless. This is the hardest thing of all. You may not accept that they had to die, but learn to accept that they did. One thing we will never know the answer to is why it had to be our child, so tormenting ourselves with "what if" and "if only" will only cause unnecessary and unhealthy guilt.

• Accept that what has come to pass cannot be changed.
• Accept that it is you who are still living and live.
• Accept that life can be too short and live each day as if it is your last.
• Accept that it is OK to grieve and lean on people when you need to.
• Get counseling if you are not coping.
• Most importantly, don't insulate yourself from your family and friends for they still need you.

Happy birthday, Jennifer! We love you very much!

Author's Note: I am not a qualified counselor or doctor. What I have said in the article is based on my own experience and may be different for everyone. If you are not sure how to cope with the loss of your child, talk to your doctor.

Grief Support In the UK Cruse is a national voluntary organization, which offers a free, confidential bereavement counseling service to people of all age groups. To find a local branch, telephone their London office: 020 8850 0505.

On the Internet GriefNet.org is an Internet community of persons dealing with grief, death, and major loss. They have 37 e-mail support groups and two web sites.

For kids in grief, KIDSAID provides a safe environment for kids to share and help each other deal with their grief and their losses.

To find bereavement counseling in your area, check your Yellow Pages or ask your doctor.