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Having never been down this road I now travel, I have been unsure of how this grieving process goes. It’s the hardest road I’ve ever walked. To make it even harder, are the “well-meaning” people who feel it is their duty to tell me how to grieve.
In particular, it’s the “good Christians” who are causing my grief to multiply. I write about being angry at God. The next thing I know, I have so many comments and emails in response, that I feel myself sinking deeper into this pit of depression. I find it amazing that I am able to sink to depths lower than I thought I’d ever go in the first place.
I have fought the sadness. I have fought the depression. I have struggled to understand the denial. I have tried so hard to keep my anger in check. I have written letters with such rage, that my fingers hurt from typing. Then I have clicked on ‘delete’ instead of ‘send,’ so as to “conform” to societal “norms” by hiding my grief.
No more.
Dealing with my anger at God has been extremely difficult for me. Not only have I raged at Him, but I have not been able to pray to Him for comfort. Before Cassy died, I never dreamed my faith could have been shaken from its firm moorings. Not me. Never.
That was before.
This is now. I am angry at God. I will not talk to Him. I have asked Him for what I believe He has the capability to do and He has NOT answered me. So, for now at least, I will remain angry at Him. I also believe this is something that is between me and God. I do NOT need someone who has not lost a child, to tell me how wrong I am for being angry at God. Here are just a few quotes I have received. These all came in one afternoon.
From “L,” who hopes to not offend, but to offer comfort…
“I hope I don’t offend you by writing to tell you how sad I feel for you on the loss of your daughter…but Connie…Cassy was God’s daughter…He loaned her to you for 20 years to nurture and love. Yes, it breaks the heart to lose her but how can you be mad at a loving God that loved you enough to loan her to you and how can you be mad at a loving God that wanted to take her home…away from murder, rape, physical abuse or any number of things that could happen here. She is home with her Lord…safe and loved…be grateful for that and for the 20 beautiful years you had with her…and look what you have to look forward to in heaven even more?”
I want to ask these two, “What part about my not being able to talk God, do you not understand?”
From “K:”
“Connie: Talk to God he is waiting with open arms to hear your voice”
From “M:”
“Please never doubt God. Read footprint prayer and know you are in the grieving time…God loves you, He will help you if you just ask him. It’s hard to understand why we lose a love one but God loves us all so very much and we can have a beautiful life when we trust in Him. Go to church and tell a pastor how you feel. Don’t hold it in…”
What I can’t understand, is why I can’t be left alone to grieve in my own way? I am going through the worst time of my life as it is. I do not need to be told I am “doing it all wrong” on top of that. I have heard it many times. “Everyone grieves in their own way.” The key word here is “own.” It isn’t “Everyone grieves in other people’s ways.” Even someone who has lost their 20-year-old daughter in the same way I lost my Cassy, will not, cannot, grieve the same way I grieve. THEIR daughter was not MY daughter. MY relationship with my child is not THEIR relationship with their daughter. No one can grieve like someone else. We couldn’t even if we wanted to, because each of us is unique.
Feelings are just that. Feelings. They are neither right or wrong. If someone were to cut in line in front of me at the store, I might get angry. That’s not a wrong way to feel. But if I were to pull out a gun and shoot that person, that would be wrong. It isn’t the feeling that’s right or wrong…it’s the action taken as a result of that feeling.
For those of you who read that I am angry at God, I beg of you, please let me alone to deal with it myself. If you hear of someone else who is angry at God, please, leave them alone. You may very well have the best of intentions, but trust me, I don’t want to hear that I am wrong for my way of grieving and no one else does either. Before you judge someone for their anger or beliefs, remember this: “Judge not, lest ye be judged.”
I want to say a special thanks to the others who wrote. To those who said,
“I can understand what you are saying, I’ve been there!”
“How refreshing to hear someone speak honestly about their “down time” with God. I, too, have gone through similar phases in my life…”
“Don’t you worry, God will wait on you to recover. He is the one who has all the time in world, you know.”
“I know too how angry we get at God. I couldn’t go to church or talk to Him or sing like I had always loved…”
“I just had to tell you my heart goes out to you and yours. I understand ‘not talking to God.’”
Thankfully, those words came the same afternoon. Those are the words that comfort me. Those words helped me to feel that I was “normal.” Those words eased my guilt and shame. Thank you so very much.
About the author: I was blessed by God with six children. Two were taken back by Him when they were born. Three live and have given me precious grandchildren. The last, my baby, my special angel, was called back by the Lord on November 6, 2000.
Copyright © 2000 by Connie Small. All rights reserved.
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I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I am sure your Cassy was very special , and you must miss her beyond any measure on this earth. We all have to get through a child's death in our own way; no one can tell us what is right or wrong. This is just my story of God's love during my difficult time.
My son, Will, died last year at the age of 29. He was my only child. I know the pain of such a loss. Nothing compares to the pain of the loss of a child. I also lost my father to suicide when I was 10 years old, and I worshiped the ground he walked on.
I lean on God to help to get me through these losses daily. I still do not understand why these tragedies were put in my life, and I won't know untiI I enter His Kingdom, but I cannot describe in mere words to you how much love and comfort God has given me through reading His Word, and through words His Holy Spirit has given my fellow Christians at church to comfort me with. I do know my faith has been strengthened because of my daily dependence on Him. Despite these tragedies He has allowed in my life, I know He loves me dearly; as He sent His Son to die for "me." There is my Hope!
God gave me a very special gift four days before He took Will home. My son accepted Christ at our Easter service before his sudden death the following Thursday. Many have come to know Christ through Will's story at this past Easter service. Will's untimely death, through God's purpose, has brought "life" to many. There is my smile.
I am praying for "the peace that passes all understanding" for you during this difficult time. I can only send you my christian love and support if you need someone to talk to. And yes, God is sending you His love through me, as I could not rest until I wrote you.
God bless you, Connie.
Love in Christ,
Betty