I’ve said since Cassy died, that I wasn’t sure what I believed in anymore. Tonight, with help from my wonderful next door neighbor, Bruce, I finally made some sense of my confusion.

I thought I might be somewhere between an atheist and a Christian. I wasn’t sure I believed in God, heaven, prayer, etc. But I’ve come to realize this.

I must believe in God, because I am mad at Him. If I didn’t believe in Him, I couldn’t be mad at Him.

I believe in heaven, because I believe Cassy is an angel and that angels come from heaven. And when I die, I want to go to heaven to be with my Cassy.

I believe in Hell, because I know that if I kill myself, that’s where I’ll go. I know that if I go to Hell, I won’t get to be with my Cassy.

I believe in prayer, because when someone says they are praying for me, I tell them “Thank you.” I don’t tell them that I am grateful for their prayers, because I don’t have the strength to pray for myself.

My confusion in what I believed, stems from not being able to pray. I am angry at God. Like a small child, I am pouting and won’t talk to Him. He has taken my precious daughter away and left me with unanswered questions.

I find myself relieved that I still have my beliefs. Even though I am unable to pray right now, I assume the day will come when I will get that back too.

For now, knowing that I am a Christian, albeit a non-praying one, gives me a modicum of comfort. I will join my precious daughter in heaven some day. And just as I love my children, even if they did something I didn’t like, I know that God still loves me. Even if I’m not speaking to Him just yet.

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